did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
