Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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