someone threw a dead crab at me
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
