So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
