just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
