highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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