Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize