guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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