The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
