I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
