She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
