Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
