the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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