I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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