I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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