mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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