Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
