Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
