you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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