So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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