Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
