i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
