Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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