My friends, they love my intelligence
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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