Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
