no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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