I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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