College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
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So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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