I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
