tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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