1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Who put my cat in the fridge?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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