I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
