I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
