see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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