Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
