i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?