I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
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Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
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These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me