I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
