In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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