You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She's the barista slut.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
