he told me I talked like a deaf person
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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