I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ok first of all what the fuck
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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