I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
