My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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