I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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