It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
