i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
