I faked an abortion last night.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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