I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
