Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Its about making memories worth repressing
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
