i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
