i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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