I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
In other news, I just burned my penis
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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