Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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