Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
