What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
