I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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